On finding THE ONE and keeping him there

No this is not a Valentine's Day post. This is about one of my closest friend who is getting married next month.

Among all my girl friends, K would definitely score the highest in any 'good wife, daughter/sister-in-law' test. She would also score the highest in being girly, romantic, caring, motherly and all such things. In short, she is the Charlotte York of our group. She has been looking for the perfect ONE since high school days, but unfortunately she has only met with severe heartbreaks.

Her high school sweetheart cut all communications with her one fine day..the day after she did not qualify for med school. She didn't even know what happened until she met a common friend who informed her of her own break-up. The guy apparently can only have a doctor wife..hence, the unannounced break-up!! (Even if I can somehow understand the shallowness..he was very young after all..I do not understand how can someone be so coward to just disappear from a relationship?). She kept hoping that he will come back to her one day, but he didn't. He married his med-school classmate after becoming doctors.

K finally started living normally after 6 years of mourning. Then she fell for another guy in her grad school. Their relationship was all nice and good, but this guy could not stand up against his mother's unfair hatred against love marriage of any kind (why does a guy get into a relationship in the first place if he knows his mother will never approve and he knows he cannot go against her? His mother had cut all contact with her own daughter because she married a man of her own choice..so he should DEFINITELY KNOW what his mother is like..but he must be in denial). He just wanted to keep waiting silently until his mother agrees to their relationship. K very graciously removed herself from the relationship saying that she does not want to be the reason for mother-son split, but she kept hoping for him to grow a backbone so that they can be together again....until he sent her his wedding invitation (they decided to remain friends, you see!).

She says she knew the first guy was academically over-ambitious and the second guy couldn't stand up for himself in any circumstances. She never thought these can end the relationships. We, her close friends, fear that she knowingly falls for guys with weak personalities. Somehow she wants to protect and take care of these people and thinks she could make them better people. In the end, they take care of themselves and leave her hanging high and dry.

After about another 5 years of mourning, K met her current fiance. They had a pretty dramatic relationship over the last 3 years including one major break-up. We friends were (to be honest, still are) very skeptical about this guy too. He broke up with her abruptly over some fight, which is not that uncommon in relationships. The thing that bugged us most was that immediately after their split, he went and asked his family to look for a girl for him to marry, and even got engaged to some girl he barely knows. Then after few months he broke that engagement, came back to K and said he was just very angry and doing those things in anger. He said that he still loves K and wants to be with her again. I don't doubt his love, but for a 30+ year old guy he surely sounds scarily impulsive to me! We cautioned K strongly when she got back with him. She assured us that there's nothing to worry about. We certainly hope she is right this time.

The wedding is next month. She is all giddy and happy, posting annoyingly mushy stuff on Facebook :) I can't help but be extremely happy for her. I just hope only good things happen for her from now on. She definitely got her share and more of tears and pain already. She deserves some uncomplicated happiness now. I have more hope in the guy's family than him actually. His sister and mother strongly supported K throughout the break-up phase and also helped in bringing them back together. So hopefully they will help in keeping him in right place for rest of the life too.

I was hoping I would be able to go home next month and attend the festivities, but good old immigration issues make it impossible..again! Anyways, she should be in US soon after the wedding. So I guess I can celebrate then.

Sending all the best wishes your way darling K....

Let me talk about some good times now..

Last 2 weeks have been so much fun that I am almost forgetting all my ailments and problematic co-workers mentioned in the last 2 posts. Here are some things I would probably remember forever from past few days:

1. My first trip to Canada. It felt very foreign because I landed first in Montreal (Quebec) and everything was very different from US and even other parts of Canada. Language, people, architecture, street designs, food....everything was French or French-inspired. I so want to learn French now.

2. Presenting my work at a great conference and listening to some great talks from some of the pioneers and upcoming stars in my field. It got even better when some of these people showed interest in my work.

When Dr. R came by my poster I was totally star-stuck and I think I was acting somewhat goofy too :D But after all this is the guy whose book has been my main to-go book for last 5 years and this guy thought my work is cool!!!

And when Prof. M asked me a question after my talk, I didn't even know that it was 'The Prof. M'...the first person to give us the basics in my field in the 1990s. I even explained some basics to her in answer of her question as I would do for any regular audience! :D But she was really sweet and she came up to me after the talk, congratulated me on my work and gave some great input. I am still re-living that moment everyday.

3. Meeting my old labmate and good friend U after 2 years, roaming around in Montreal, and having good pure girlie time. Rooming together, chatting till late hours, sharing fun and horror stories about our respective big fat crazy inter-state Indian weddings in the past year, our new families and of course our new 'husbands'. Sharing stories about our new labs and remembering our times at our old lab, discussing our other friends and of course, our good old advisor man.

4. Meeting some other people from grad school, including one of my favorite prof. He was very formal back in grad school, but now he acted like a senior friend. Gave me a big hug, told me that he is happy to see I'm doing well (he even knew about my recent publications!), had silly conversations about facebook, tracking ex-es and such :) and then just before my talk when I was most nervous he came up to give me encouragement. Made me very happy.

5. J joining me after the conference to go on our second mini-honeymoon. We never had time to go on a real honeymoon after our wedding. So we have recently started going on belated mini ones :) Fun times (including the numerous fights) exploring Montreal, Toronto and Niagara from the other side together.

7. The perfect last day of a perfect trip: Waking up to see sunrise over Niagara Falls from our 28th floor window. Few hours later, crossing a country border via road for the first time. Few more hours, and we get to see an aerial view of the Atlantic Ocean, entire Manhattan island including Empire State Building and Statue of Liberty. Late in the night the very same day, we see a more familiar aerial view...the Pacific Ocean, San Francisco city and the Golden Gate bridge. Finally coming back to own own comfy bed around midnight and falling asleep instantly :)

However, next day we had to get up and go back to work. :( But I am looking forward to the weekend. It is my birthday!!

Kahani kaafi filmy hai

Oct 1999
My papa bought me my first computer as graduation gift.

Sometime in 2001
Initial excitement of new computer dies. I started looking for new things to try. I signed up for something called e-mail buddy (first transition from pen-friend, precursor of networking as well as matrimony sites). I received lots of 'wannabe friends' type mails from frustrated guys, but I also got a handful of nice real pen-friend style mails from guys and girls from different parts of India and even other countries (I am still friends with 5 of them and have met 2 till date).

March 2002:
I got the first e-mail from one of the above mentioned '2'. It was a simple mail showing interest in 'talking' and not dating. For some reason I found the simplicity interesting and honest and I replied. My reply was still full of sarcasm. The response was a one liner but a complete check-mate one liner. I was super impressed. Regular exchange of e-mail starts, then starts chatting (ah, old yim days!). Within few months we were fast friends. We still didn't know each others' real name.

August 2003
I moved to US. I had very few friends and no family in US at that time. My friendship with my anonymous e-mail buddy (AEB) became even stronger as he was also in another part of US. AEB helped me with buying calling cards, laptop and many such things that fresh-of-the-boat Indian students need help with. One day I gave my phone number to AEB because I desperately needed some advice (again to buy something online). AEB called. It was weird to talk for the first time. But then gradually we started calling regularly. It was fun to discover how much we had in common. By now we also knew each others' first name.

December 2003
It was winter vacation and I had nowhere to go. AEB had forced vacation and was planning a Florida trip with friends. His friends canceled last minute and somehow jokingly it was decided that AEB will come and meet me in snowing Ohio!! For the first time we asked each others' full real names.
I thought my parents will kill me. But surprisingly they said ok [I guess they trust me more than I think they should :) ]. I was prepared with knives in my cupboards in case a weirdo turns up.
AEB showed up. After a few awkward minutes it seemed like we were meeting some old-time friend. He stayed in a hotel in town for few days and kept visiting me everyday. Before he left for home, we more or less confessed how much we like each others' company :)

Jan 2004-July 2005
'Confession of likeness' turned into 'let's give this relationship a try' that then turned into 'looks like this might work, we need to tell parents'. All this while living 2000 miles apart, with occasional weekend trips across the country.

July 2005
Parents were notified and luckily they seemed more than happy. However, long-distance relationship continued.

August 2008
I finally finished grad school and moved to the other side of the country. Parents were really excited and demanded instant wedding. I still needed a new visa to visit India. So parents' were snubbed every time marriage was mentioned.

July 2009
My petition for new visa gets approved.

December 25th, 2009, 12.20am (Indian-Standard Time)
I am sitting in my parents' house in India, in front of the same very first computer, blogging with hands full of mehendi. In 5 hours, I leave for another part of India. In 2 days, I get married to my anonymous e-mail buddy, my best friend, my boyfriend, my fiance and my soon-to-be husband........J.


Note: This is the 100% honest version of this story and only J and I knew this version, until right now. :)

And I need to breathe

It's only Monday night and I am already exhausted. I want to go to an oxygen bar and inhale some strawberry flavored oxygen :)

My best friend D suggested going to some random bar..the standard alcohol-serving type, getting seriously drunk and having an one-night stand with any random guy I meet in the bar. Who needs enemies when there are such friends around!!

To tell or not to?

Me and some of my friends are in a big dilemma. All of us think that one of our friends is with a wrong guy and her decision to marry him is the biggest mistake of her life. But none of us know how to or even whether to tell her.

I have heard it from couple of elderly people that they did not comment on their children's choice of partner in spite of having a bad feeling (which eventually proved to be true) because "everyone has to learn from their own mistakes".

But then I'm thinking if we see a loved one walking blindly towards a speeding car, we scream and warn them because we do not want them to get hurt.

Is it only physical injury about which we can warn against, but we have to let them suffer and learn when it comes to emotional injury?

If you think that a loved one is choosing a wrong life partner, do you/will you tell them?
If your friends tell you that you are choosing a wrong life partner, will you appreciate that?

How important are brand names?

My friend N and I have these long 'nonsense' conversations every now and then. Last night during one such session, she offered me to take her boyfriend because it seemed like I have more things in common with T than she has.

Of course I said "No thanks" and to that she said "You are saying no to an ex-IITian!!! Poor T, he will be crushed."

Now I can understand if T feels crushed because a girl said no to a 'nice guy' like him but what's with the brand names? How does getting a degree from a good school makes someone irresistible as a companion?

I know a good education can mean that there are better chances of having financial security and intelligent conversations, but my personal experience says that a great professional resume is no guarantee of a great human being. And I know a few 'famous school' graduates who liked 'Welcome' more than 'Taare Zameen Par'. So there goes the intellectual conversation.

I hope N didn't say 'yes' to T because of the IIT tag!

My friend has been kidnapped by an alien!

No, of course not literally but I feel the same.

My close friend (let's call her N) and I always made fun of people who are mushy, gushy about their love life/partners. We bitched about these people for hours and took pride in the fact that we were cold and heartless. Then she fell in love last year and suddenly she is doing the same irritating things and much more!!! Was it all an act of 'sour grapes' then? I feel betrayed.

Talking about my being cold and heartless, my boyfriend (let's call him J) had a dream last night that I have dumped him for someone else and he is very sad (he amazed himself with this feeling) and then what made him more miserable than actually being dumped was that I was telling him very casually "What's the big deal? Don't be a sissy. Get over it." ha ha...now that sounds more real to me than N's new Orkut photo (I wish I could post it here to prove my case).

Coming to analysis of the dream: I blame it on the big hype called Valentine's day. Everyone in J's office (including his 50+ boss) left early to celebrate V-day and his girlfriend didn't even call him all day to wish him and was almost falling asleep when he made his usual 'how was your day' call (I live 3 time zones ahead of him and it was much past mid-night my time..can you really blame me?). J is usually as romantically-challenged as me, if not more but I guess all the pressure created by this specially designated romance day can affect such people too. I am just thankful that the effect on him is not as drastic as on N.